This Paranoia

And as I sit here, Three in the morn. My mind as usual begins to wander. Over the days events, over the laughs then, over him. Over our conversations everything. Recently I wrote a comparison piece on the novel Catcher in the Rye and the movie Good Will Hunting. I enjoyed both pieces very much so. But as many of the reasons I could find that made the two pieces a like. I can find just as many in my conversations, everything.

I just need a peace of mind before my piece of mind is thrown out the window and I just go on a believing frenzy. Throw my cautions to the wind and allow the lightning to strike upon my heart. Does that sound good to everyone? I thought so.

I have nearly given up and I am ready to hang the noose of sanity and watch as my mind dangles from it's edges. Or should I leave it to suffer to remember. Everything...And then in that suffering eventually it is overloaded, doesn't know where to go from there. And then, Finally then it lets go of those final breaths and boom. Nothing, not a pulse, Not a breathe, Not a twitch, Nothing..Just...Peace.

Sanity, Found then Lost?

I am on the brink of breaking. Is this what was intended? Because if so it is working. I am tired of staying up all night, with the same conversations running through my head, around in circles like a puppy that has just found his tail. These conversations spin around, The words appearing in my minds eyes as I try to get some rest.

Can it really be true? What if it is true, What if it is a lie? What can I believe? What do I have to believe in? What proof. I have never been one who needs proof to believe something, but now I am finding myself in just the opposite mind frame. I ask a simple task that can never be completed, Which leaves me feeling curious and hurt. My heart says, Believe, whatever you do just believe. My mind on the other hand is saying, There is no proof, nothing to show.

Soon enough my mind can't bare it. I break down, as always, I quiver in that corner, Wondering, always wondering. That big strong girl who isn't afraid to scream in the face of danger, has broken, Withered to completely nothing but the thoughts running through her head.

Finally, a resolution has found it's way into my life. I have finally had that little bit of proof to put my mind at ease and let my heart beat free! I am so happy! So here I am. Happy and waiting, with arms wide open.

&&

" I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep, cause I'd miss you baby..And I don't want to miss a thing. "

The Unknown.

Here is a poem..Written special from the heart...

Nothing but a dream,
has lead you to me,
A simple thought,
But somehow you see,

you have found,
a heart to mend,
with every word,
just press send,

Twin Flames,
entwined as one,
my heart,
have you truly won.

with no words,
I hear your voice,
I close my eyes,
Try to make a choice,

I feel your lips,
warming my heart,
I open my eyes,
It was you, from the start,

I chase away,
Every last doubt,
When you hold me..
What if I never want out?

Will you look,
within my eyes,
And see,
Your my sunrise,

My light in the dark,
My hope in despair,
Every beat of your heart,
With me will you share?

I know, not exactly one of the best poems I have ever written in my entire life, However..I still wrote it and it still has meaning to me. I don't want hate mail on this, I don't want nasty comments. If you have nothing nice to say, Say nothing at all, It would be greatly appreciated...


By the way, This is for you. [x] I'm drowning in this intoxication of this fixation [x]

True love.

So as I sit here. In the wee hours of the morn. I ponder.
True love. What is it to you? Where does it come from, the fairytale in your mind, or the rhythm of your heart?
What if your heart is telling you, your dreams are leading you, to a place you wish to be, A place of utmost bliss. A place where your heart is free to reign...Letting every beat fall in the precise measure you wish it to. Like a beautiful symphony...put together so precise, that it's harmony is sure to be heard by every ear in the world.
Or is it standing ontop of a mountain, Screaming your feelings, Yelling your love to the world. So that the birds flutter across the beautiful peaceful mountain sky, Showing the way your heart flutters when you see their name, hear their voice.

So here I am, trying to figure out what love is to me. And at this moment in time. I cannot even figure out what love truly is to me. I cannot express how true love really occurs. You have known the person in life times before. Known that their heart has always matched the rhythm of yours. It just took these two hearts soo long to find eachother. With experiences they can both succumb to and realises they can grow upon these experiences, Heal them even. Take away the scarring pains, to leave beautiful, fresh new skin.

Some people say love. Is when two people realise the moment they look into eachothers eyes...and they know, it was there from the start. Without even one word. They know...They need not speak, for all has been spoken in lives before.

So love, What is it, No one can tell until that final day when they say "I do" I just pray....They mean it.

So here I am. What do you want me to do?

These spiders inside my mind are always at work. Always weaving their web around a spinning mind. Soon enough these webs tangle around me, causing me to trip and stumble over my feet. Can you not see within my lies, how I despise this cruel intention. I try to please and to smile, but is it worth the little while? And on my back a burden weighs, Trying to hold closely to what I see... And feel. It's touching really, to know that you want me around, and I appreciate, but somewhere deep inside it turns, hurts, and I want to scream. But I cannot, for it will make you smile if I don't. And that is all I wish to see is your smile. Now you may think it is bad that I am writing this, but in my heart it makes it all worth while.Writing. It is what makes me happy even through it all, I can still smile. So don't take offense and do not get angry, but it is what it does for me. So back to my webs, that tangle round me, never letting me free, for even when I wipe them from my mind so I can see. The spiders fast at work tangle more. Or am I the spider itself?

My Bird

If you love something ,
Set it free,
I only wish,
You'd come back to me,

You take my breath,
as I look in your eyes,
How did we ever,
Come to this demise,

Be my bird,
I set you free,
A whole new world,
I hope you see,

Through blurred eyes,
I stare through the glass,
Watching the fog,
Wishing this would pass,

My heart aches,
As I feel your hands,
Upon mine,
Where time stands,

Do not feel sorrow,
Nor regret,
The times we had,
I'll never forget,

The first kiss,
Beneath that light,
I knew you,
were worth the fight,

So I can never,
Let go of you,
If only,
You truly knew,

I do not wish,
For you to be sad,
It's not your place,
To feel bad,

I love you,
So I set you free,
If only, If only,
You'd come back to me..



A poem I wrote.....

Confusion.

Mixed signals, Confusion setting in. I do not understand. My mind races to find an answer, for my uncertainty has become too clear. Suddenly I feel as though the world is staring at me. Not in a bad way, this time good. It feels great! I just that this lasts. I love to be viewed in others eyes not as something bad, but of good. I can smile, I can laugh and be myself and they still want to talk to me! I feel great, for the first time in a long time. Woot!

The Last Day of The Assignment - Judging.

Well here is to the last post if my theme! After this, this will become a society to me. A place to be myself, and a place to express myself. I can be who I want, and say what I would like without fearing that someone is going to come after me for my views, or personality. People would see a person like me, With bright pink hair, wearing mainly black, ripped up clothing ( Jeans ) And assume that I hate the world, and everything in it. Well they are wrong. Society has a problem with looking at a cover of a book and judging what it is about, and how it is going to be. Well. If you look at my cover, I am dark on the outside, The illustrations shouting with anger. And yet, You open my pages and read the words you will see that the book was amazing! And is fun to read. See. I will admit, I as well judge people as they walk by. But I also don't care what I think of them without getting to know them. I can think a person is the most terrible thing when I say "Hi" and once I read their book inside and out, I will find a new friend. Or sometimes, enemy. But it doesn't matter, no one has x-ray vision, so you can't read the pages without opening the cover. So to all those looking at those books and putting them back on the shelf without giving them a chance, learn to open the cover, and see what they really are.

Labels.

Is this what it has come down to. Every being giving another a name. When will people realise we all walk in different shoes, and we all have different views. Life can be refreshingly easy and yet so difficult at times. People change and do what they do for their own reasons, for their own self. I do my own things for my own self. I don't want to be what everyone else wants, I want to be what I want. And nothing will change that. Emo, Punk, Goth, Harajuku, Prep,Not sure what that person is, Freak, Junkie, Hippie... There are so many...to many to name. But we have all found our own ways to cope with life, we have found our own interests. Sadly, some of those interests is to look down upon people who enjoy a different lifestyle, People who like their own fashions. People who be who they want to be without a care. I hear someone laugh behind my back saying freak, and I shrug it off. Because I know my smile is not fake. At least not as much as your laugh. Because I will be happy with who I am. I know those people, are not. If they were, they would not bother me, Or people like me.

Literacy and life.

Has anyone noticed that people have stopped fully using the enlgish language? Now it is called L33t Sp34k so on and so forth. And people are butchering it. Yes in humor it is okay, but when you are trying to have a normal conversation with someone who is barely speaking properly it is frustrating. Here is an example: Yo, wat up wit u?.. Are you serious? What has happened! I learned quickly when I start following the internet trend of this speak, That I slowly lost proper habits in spelling and talking. I began writing the way I typed. Does anyone fear that this could become the new english language. I mean it has changed so much from what it was in the past. Why can it not change again? Just another thing for society to make it's own. Every generation will want something to make it's own. This generation. Wants everything, to be their own....

Barcodes in single file.

Do you ever take a look around and notice as the world changes so does the people? It is as if every human is put on a shelf and taken off, manufactured day after day and are all COPIES. No one is original anymore, because it has all been done. That is fine. That is understandable. But there are those people who pretend to be something they are not. Or they feel they have to. You could have a person who is considered 'Preppy' who wants to fit in but doesn't want to follow their trends. I feel that it is sad because people shouldn't have to feel as though they need to do something just to be a part of the fun. It should be fun all around and all it is going to take is one person to actually realise that it really is fun to just do what you want, not what others tell you too. Their are girls and guys who are terrified of what the others will say, Why? Because the world has become so obsessed with how a human looks. Skinny, Fat, Acne, Perfection, Big lips, small lips. NO matter what, you are a human, and you are beautiful. You are life. And life, itself is beauty. NEVER FORGET IT! I wish that people could just see the light and realise, that people do not have to make fun of, prode at or hurt people because they are insecure. And that is the real reason. If everyone looked deep down in their heart they would realise that, that is the real truth. SO everyone needs to let go of their insecurities. Breathe a breath of wonderful fresh air. Smile and live life to it's fullest!

RIOT!

So. Here we are writing yet another blog about society. Society itself has so many problems. There are dark hours and there are light, however the dark always comes back. Sometimes you can see so many wonderful things, and then, there are the things that make the heart ache and the bones quiver. People are getting sick of certain ideas, certain ideals. There are rich people who have so much money they do not know what to do with it. And then! There are those souls who cannot afford for themselves to eat , let alone their children. So then the world becomes a very dark, dim and angered place. People are dieing for such uniportant causes. The war in Iraq. Soldier, sons, husbands, fathers, are falling. And we call this peace making. Peace = Blood Shed and Tears? Is this really what we view it as. ' I am doing a duty to my country' yes, You can be proud, but why not do it another way. I would be more proud to say that I helped a falling nation without a single being dieing at the hand of man. But no, Force is the only way right? The only way for everything. Now some may say ' You are just a teen, you don't understand' Maybe that is the truth, but at this moment I understand it, the way I see it.

The picture above is obviously an angered citizen holding a Molotove cocktail. Ready to throw at the riot shields of the force.

Violence.

Violence in society has become more and more eminent. You see it everywhere now, on the news, in movies, right outside your own doorstep. And what do we do? We sit and we watch and we do nothing. Should we not take a stand, for what is right? Should we just leaves those who are dieing to bleed on the street. I can never understand how human kind at its best can harm another living being, Including animals. Yes I understand, humans need food, animals tend to be food, but some torture.. Living beings, do they deserve the pain? No. Do they deserve the rights to a peaceful death. Yes. But even so, Humans get their kicks from seeing other things in pain. Not all humans but most. How can society just watch this! It drives me mad. Look in the picture. You see a bus on fire. A BUS! With a man watching it as it burns, why has no one put this fire out, Had it cease to exist. Destruction, that is what people are mainly capable of, and it is aggrivating. So will you take a stand and show the world what is not right, or will you sit in your chair behind a desk waiting for the problem to happen to you.

Schooling, and society.

So, now life is complicated. You get into schooling. The people are constantly changing what is expected. When I was in grade 8 my parents informed me that I was doing work that they would have done in grade 12. So, now that the world believes that it needs to be more intelligent, you have people going around, who cannot complete such tasks feeling like they are worthless. Well done to the people. I understand, humans need to learn, Just as we learn to speak and walk we need to learn to complete tasks so that when we are into the working world we are ready. We know what we are doing. And one who tries so hard, is shut down just because they are not up to 'standards', that someone will be the one to create world peace, why? Because even though society has shut them down, told them they were trash, constantly humiliated them, the still know deep down inside, they are wonderful. These are the people who are going to be great, these are the people who will stand tall amongst the rest, why because we have hope. And we are standing strong! C'mon world, Bring us your best.

Drugs

So. Now society is hooked on drugs and the like. Woot right? No. It seems today everyone needs their fix of something. Cigs, Coffee, Weed, Whatever some can get their hands on. But do we not realise that it is not those addictions we feed off of, they feed off of us. Our minds allow us to think that we need it, when in reality it so much more different. However most cannot comprehend this. So today's society seems to think that it needs something, something to pull them from reality, instead of leaving reality, why not make reality better. Fight for something new? Believe in something more than just ourselves. Now I am no religious freak, because even society has mucked that up.

Society.

Society, What is this now? How we communicate, with blogs? Is the Internet becoming everything. Technology and the sort. You cannot see at least 5 people out of 7 who have a cell phone in their hand "TXT"ing their friends. Yes I can agree, Cell phones are handy, but is texting necessary when a person is only five feet away? OH another thing, People come onto blogs to complain about everything. They had a bad day, their arm is soar because they were too busy beating on someone who doesn't deserve harm. And yet those who truly have something bad to worry about, they barely complain, They sit back and take the old fashioned pen and paper and are actually private. Not all of life has to be shown to the world. Oh that is right, society it's self has become dependent on others needing to know. Everything is every ones business now, because guess what? It is a free world. Free, I know different. There is no such thing as free, we are suppressed. There is no way we can get out and we are suffocating beneath the pens of those who are 'higher' who deserve to make major choices. Why can we as the people not make a choice. I understand there is voting but that is the only part we play. What if? Just what if the entire community was able to have a say other than choosing who gets the say. Sometimes it is so aggravating and yet captivating. But I say that society should be free of its reigns. Let us breathe again.