This Paranoia

And as I sit here, Three in the morn. My mind as usual begins to wander. Over the days events, over the laughs then, over him. Over our conversations everything. Recently I wrote a comparison piece on the novel Catcher in the Rye and the movie Good Will Hunting. I enjoyed both pieces very much so. But as many of the reasons I could find that made the two pieces a like. I can find just as many in my conversations, everything.

I just need a peace of mind before my piece of mind is thrown out the window and I just go on a believing frenzy. Throw my cautions to the wind and allow the lightning to strike upon my heart. Does that sound good to everyone? I thought so.

I have nearly given up and I am ready to hang the noose of sanity and watch as my mind dangles from it's edges. Or should I leave it to suffer to remember. Everything...And then in that suffering eventually it is overloaded, doesn't know where to go from there. And then, Finally then it lets go of those final breaths and boom. Nothing, not a pulse, Not a breathe, Not a twitch, Nothing..Just...Peace.

Sanity, Found then Lost?

I am on the brink of breaking. Is this what was intended? Because if so it is working. I am tired of staying up all night, with the same conversations running through my head, around in circles like a puppy that has just found his tail. These conversations spin around, The words appearing in my minds eyes as I try to get some rest.

Can it really be true? What if it is true, What if it is a lie? What can I believe? What do I have to believe in? What proof. I have never been one who needs proof to believe something, but now I am finding myself in just the opposite mind frame. I ask a simple task that can never be completed, Which leaves me feeling curious and hurt. My heart says, Believe, whatever you do just believe. My mind on the other hand is saying, There is no proof, nothing to show.

Soon enough my mind can't bare it. I break down, as always, I quiver in that corner, Wondering, always wondering. That big strong girl who isn't afraid to scream in the face of danger, has broken, Withered to completely nothing but the thoughts running through her head.

Finally, a resolution has found it's way into my life. I have finally had that little bit of proof to put my mind at ease and let my heart beat free! I am so happy! So here I am. Happy and waiting, with arms wide open.

&&

" I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep, cause I'd miss you baby..And I don't want to miss a thing. "

The Unknown.

Here is a poem..Written special from the heart...

Nothing but a dream,
has lead you to me,
A simple thought,
But somehow you see,

you have found,
a heart to mend,
with every word,
just press send,

Twin Flames,
entwined as one,
my heart,
have you truly won.

with no words,
I hear your voice,
I close my eyes,
Try to make a choice,

I feel your lips,
warming my heart,
I open my eyes,
It was you, from the start,

I chase away,
Every last doubt,
When you hold me..
What if I never want out?

Will you look,
within my eyes,
And see,
Your my sunrise,

My light in the dark,
My hope in despair,
Every beat of your heart,
With me will you share?

I know, not exactly one of the best poems I have ever written in my entire life, However..I still wrote it and it still has meaning to me. I don't want hate mail on this, I don't want nasty comments. If you have nothing nice to say, Say nothing at all, It would be greatly appreciated...


By the way, This is for you. [x] I'm drowning in this intoxication of this fixation [x]

True love.

So as I sit here. In the wee hours of the morn. I ponder.
True love. What is it to you? Where does it come from, the fairytale in your mind, or the rhythm of your heart?
What if your heart is telling you, your dreams are leading you, to a place you wish to be, A place of utmost bliss. A place where your heart is free to reign...Letting every beat fall in the precise measure you wish it to. Like a beautiful symphony...put together so precise, that it's harmony is sure to be heard by every ear in the world.
Or is it standing ontop of a mountain, Screaming your feelings, Yelling your love to the world. So that the birds flutter across the beautiful peaceful mountain sky, Showing the way your heart flutters when you see their name, hear their voice.

So here I am, trying to figure out what love is to me. And at this moment in time. I cannot even figure out what love truly is to me. I cannot express how true love really occurs. You have known the person in life times before. Known that their heart has always matched the rhythm of yours. It just took these two hearts soo long to find eachother. With experiences they can both succumb to and realises they can grow upon these experiences, Heal them even. Take away the scarring pains, to leave beautiful, fresh new skin.

Some people say love. Is when two people realise the moment they look into eachothers eyes...and they know, it was there from the start. Without even one word. They know...They need not speak, for all has been spoken in lives before.

So love, What is it, No one can tell until that final day when they say "I do" I just pray....They mean it.

So here I am. What do you want me to do?

These spiders inside my mind are always at work. Always weaving their web around a spinning mind. Soon enough these webs tangle around me, causing me to trip and stumble over my feet. Can you not see within my lies, how I despise this cruel intention. I try to please and to smile, but is it worth the little while? And on my back a burden weighs, Trying to hold closely to what I see... And feel. It's touching really, to know that you want me around, and I appreciate, but somewhere deep inside it turns, hurts, and I want to scream. But I cannot, for it will make you smile if I don't. And that is all I wish to see is your smile. Now you may think it is bad that I am writing this, but in my heart it makes it all worth while.Writing. It is what makes me happy even through it all, I can still smile. So don't take offense and do not get angry, but it is what it does for me. So back to my webs, that tangle round me, never letting me free, for even when I wipe them from my mind so I can see. The spiders fast at work tangle more. Or am I the spider itself?

My Bird

If you love something ,
Set it free,
I only wish,
You'd come back to me,

You take my breath,
as I look in your eyes,
How did we ever,
Come to this demise,

Be my bird,
I set you free,
A whole new world,
I hope you see,

Through blurred eyes,
I stare through the glass,
Watching the fog,
Wishing this would pass,

My heart aches,
As I feel your hands,
Upon mine,
Where time stands,

Do not feel sorrow,
Nor regret,
The times we had,
I'll never forget,

The first kiss,
Beneath that light,
I knew you,
were worth the fight,

So I can never,
Let go of you,
If only,
You truly knew,

I do not wish,
For you to be sad,
It's not your place,
To feel bad,

I love you,
So I set you free,
If only, If only,
You'd come back to me..



A poem I wrote.....

Confusion.

Mixed signals, Confusion setting in. I do not understand. My mind races to find an answer, for my uncertainty has become too clear. Suddenly I feel as though the world is staring at me. Not in a bad way, this time good. It feels great! I just that this lasts. I love to be viewed in others eyes not as something bad, but of good. I can smile, I can laugh and be myself and they still want to talk to me! I feel great, for the first time in a long time. Woot!